And then you have your pets.
Or do they really have us?
I guess it all depends on who you ask
or even who you trust.
whoever they are,
the authorities on such things,
that people were the ones
who made animals like human beings.
And since I’ve brought up making.
what about their genes?
Is there a cogent reason
if there ever really was
for breeding mutations
like too short legs
to go above a dog’s paws?
We doom animals we breed
to what nature didn’t choose,
make them vulnerable
to respiratory disease
and other assorted bad news.
Now before you get all up in arms,
or legs, since that’s my subject
let’s talk about that designer breed
that some of you covet.
Please remember that I love them all,
I just have little patience with their humans.
At the risk of being labeled a long legged dog and cat fascist,
I have to question the wisdom of breeding cats with a short leg characteristic.
That’s a cat that can’t jump. Does that make any sense?
I’m not a scientist.
I don’t know how long
it would take for the dog and cat population
to breed out what we’ve done wrong.
As we’ve found out with other stupid stuff we silly humans have done,
it’s a lot easier to sing, than to un-sing a song.
© Joel Tipple
Note: No dogs were injured in this episode (annoyed perhaps but certainly not injured).
Around 2000-1, I experienced a rebirth of my love for the bicycle. I had started looking for a way to lose weight and noticed that my friend and next door neighbor was going out for a ride every morning. He would ride by our living room window, something I considered very inconsiderate, since I was usually sitting on the couch eating a fat and sugar laden breakfast while he was going out in the cold and doing something healthy. That, and a few choice words from my brother concerning the shape of my physique goaded me into finding some sort of exercise plan that I could stick with. I hated gyms and my knees couldn’t handle asphalt anymore. Add to that the fact that cycling is an outdoor activity for the most part and it turned out to be just what the doctor ordered. In the years since my last bicycle (a ten-speed) mountain biking had become quite popular. The geometry of the Trek hardtail I tried at my local bike shop appealed to me so I started riding it every day. Within a short period of time I had lost that weight and become a cycling fanatic. All my extra spending money went into bikes and the assorted bike stuff one can purchase once consumed with the hobby. Within the next two years I added a couple road bikes for my stable and started participating in local rides, including several centuries (100 miles in a day).
Long distance tours like centuries mean that you need to be on the bike almost every day. Good training plans have you going out for longer and longer distances to get you ready. There are lots of little inconveniences you encounter on those long rides, one of those being dogs. We live in a fairly rural area with lots of little ranches and dairies. Occasionally one of the ranch dogs will get its exercise by chasing you while you are getting yours. For those dogs that prefer lean cycling legs and those cyclists that don’t take the time to do a lot of sprints, it can be a mutually beneficial experience. After a few close calls, more enjoyable for the dogs than me, I decided to start carrying one of those little pepper sprayers that you see clipped to mail carrier bags, just in case. On a late fall afternoon I parked my pickup on the outskirts of a redwood park south of where I live and began the ride that I planned would take me about 10 miles out and back. The asphalt was a mix of smooth and rough with the first five miles being fairly level, before climbing sharply. That day’s weather was crisp and cool and I would have to hurry to get back to where I was parked by sunset. One of the things I love about riding where I live is the abundance of wildlife you get to see, even from paved roads. That day I remember seeing some rabbits and, for the first time, a wild turkey. I didn’t know they could be so skinny! Now, one thing about dogs and their territory is that they will often object to your riding by, but even if they are outside a fence, they will usually only give you a hard time until you are past a certain point. That’s fair, after all they are just doing what we’ve trained them to to for eons, guard their property. I had been up this road on a few tours with large groups of riders, where there is some comfort in the strength of numbers. Today it was just me and the occasional vehicle interrupting the sound of my tires on the road. I had been climbing in a low gear for awhile and passed a gravel road that veered off to my right when the unmistakable sound of the scuffle of paws and low growling made me jerk my head around. Dogs and young men have something in common. By themselves they are usually harmless, but their level of stupidity and aggression can increase exponentially with numbers. Most of the time the biggest and stupidest is out front. I could see this was one of those times. The problem was that I was getting jumped at a place in the road where I was moving too slowly. A glance at the incline up ahead told me that wasn’t going to change soon enough to help. I stood on the pedals to give myself a little momentum and then grabbed the pepper spray which was clipped to my handlebars. I had never used it before so I hoped it would work. If it didn’t, I would have to jump off and try to put my bike between myself and the dogs. As I turned, all I could see was brown and black fur and teeth. I pressed down on the top of the can and was surprised at how far the stream shot out. It hit a few feet to the right of the lead dog and I swept it to the left to connect with his muzzle. He stopped and shook his head violently while the two dogs a few feet back and to each side of him quickly lost interest. A surge of adrenaline kept me moving up the hill for a while until I finally decided it was time to go back the way I had come. By the time I rode back past where the dogs had started chasing me, they were long gone. I could see where the pepper spray had traced a line across the road. I relaxed after a bit, knowing I had the advantage of speed as the road swept downward. I was relieved when I got back to my pickup and the welcome drive back to home and a warm shower.
Down, off the couch and pad through the house.
Sniff the carpet.
The cat was here,
and here, here, here.
Sit. My collar goes back on, as if there were anyone in my world who didn’t know me. Funny thought, that.
Give the door a little nose bump, in case he doesn’t know it’s time for me to go out. Just in case.
Freedom! Whoops, turn around. Gotta eat. Get to eat. EAT!
Hey! Someone is walking by. Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark! My yard my yard my yard my yard.
Okayyyyy maintenance. Do my rounds. Gotta pee on that bush that tree that fence that fence that bush that tree that shoe… whoops! Sorry dude, my bad.
My TOY! Oh blessed God of play, my toy. My most favorite inanimate object in absolutely all the world.
It looks like a big rubbery jack and I am either dropping it and chasing it myself or he throws it for me.
Oh, I would do that for hours if he would let me! Much of the time it just sticks out of the corner of my mouth like the prototype drill sergeant with his cigar. You have to be ready.
Bark bark bark! My yard my yard my yard!
Pee more, drink more, pee more, drink more. It’s good for you, you know.
Wow… time for a break. The sun isn’t out yet, so I’ll go get in my doggy bed under the carport for a while.
Annnd, I’m up! My yard my yard my yard. He says it’s just an airplane, but what do I know? As far as I’m concerned, it’s just a big noisy bird that needs to know it’s… my yard my yard my yard.
A bee! Clop! My massive jaws miss again. Once, I actually caught one and it bit me! I still go after ’em though. Everything has to know this is my yard. It’s my job and I take it seriously. I’m important.
Run run run run run. I love to do that. I’m a gymnast too! Sometimes, when he throws my toy, I jump high in the air, and I could almost do a whole flip. It was easier when I was younger. A bird in the crab apple tree! My tree my tree my tree! They’ll never learn.
Work play eat sleep. Work play eat sleep. Am I getting the order right? It doesn’t matter. I’m a dog and I just do… What was it he called it? Oh yeah, what’s “instinctual.” Where do they come up with these funny words? The sun is out! Oh yeah. Time for a nap. Another stretch, and I’m down.
After a while it’s time to go inside for the night. I go sit with them for the evening. Sometimes I get to share popcorn. She throws it for me and I pretend it’s a bee. Clop! That’ll teach you, popcorn!
Back to the couch, to dream.
My house! But I say it quietly.