humor

Food Impostors

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I’ve come to the conclusion
after how many years has it been,
that the stuff I’ve been ingesting
with the very tiny print
and the multi-syllabic words
that read so scientific
might not be so good for me.

Sure there’re pretty pictures on the package
smiling folks living the life,
so I’m led to believe
they must eat a lot of this stuff,
makes ’em feel better than alive.

Farmers replaced by marketers;
what have they caused us to imbibe?
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Do you think they’re concerned with your insides?
Do you really want to be fed by cookie elves?

It’s years of habits I’m breaking,
no mistaking
the work it would be taking
to put good foods together
instead of relying on my buddy
monosodafoodasortaglutsamated.
But no doubt the things I won’t miss
are being tired
and constipated.

Lord knows we can’t predict
when we might go.
He’s the only one who can say when
we’ll reap what we’ve sown.
But out of respect for the vessel
He’s made,
I’m intent on running it better
before it finds the grave.

Compassion for Twitterpated Individual Couch Jump Velocity

Last Saturday I asked my wife and daughter to help me with a poem by giving me words I would have to use in four stanzas. This week my granddaughter got to throw in two of her own, so this week we’ll have six. Here goes.

Not many are aware of the Couch Olympics.
It’s a byproduct of the TV age, and development
of living room gymnasts.

Many twitterpated fans stay up
all night to view the athletes.
Their dewy eyes stay locked on
their heroes while they compete.

The sport involves lots of sophisticated movements,
using cushions to assist jumps. As you might guess,
participants accumulate more than a few lumps.

The individual rounds begin
with manipulation of the Lazy Boy Chair.
A deft pull of the foot stool
can send one high up in the air.

You would think velocity limited
within the confines of a living room,
but speeds have been measured
almost enough for a sonic boom.

Once, a veteran jumper flew so far
the couch couldn’t catch him.
Thankfully he was rescued by an onlooker,
overcome with compassion.

Sheep Drive

I’m told my grandfather,
who was on my mother’s side,
used to drive loads of sheep
from the saddle
on a sheep drive.
And when I say sheep drive,
I don’t mean the latest
Apple iteration…
You know,
like all those operating
systems
named after wild animals.
I think they’re mostly
predators
anyway.

Back to our topic…

I don’t suppose he called them “doggies,”
the sheep,
that is.
But I’ll bet he had some great dogs,
the kind that pretty much did the job
on their own
without a lot of input from the guy on
the horse,
maybe just a finger point here or there
or some sort of code
known only to my grandfather
and the dog.

So he would drive
those
sheep
to the railroad terminal
where they would board the train
which would take them to market.
I wonder if they made it all the way
to San Francisco?
I wonder if they were told the trip
was sort of a fun
getaway?
If they bought it, would that mean someone
had successfully pulled
the wool
over their eyes?

Liebster Award

Oh my goodness. Time once again to drag the tux out of mothballs. Do people use mothballs anymore? The ever generous Emily Anne http://unkilleddarlings.wordpress.com has seen fit to nominate my blog for the Liebster Award. Although the award is intended to go to blogs with less than 200 followers, I think it’s important to honor the spirit of the award, if not the letter. Truth to tell, although I know how many followers I have, I can’t tell how many the blogs I nominated have. Also, although a followers number is
posted on my cover page, it’s clear that’s counting my Facebook friends. I’m sure someone will set me straight, and that will only be the beginning of the grand jury investigation.

liebster

Here be da rules:

1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog. Thank you very much, Emily Anne. You’ve been a great supporter!

2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answer the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.

3. Nominate 11 blogs of 200 followers or less who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.

4. Display the Liebster Award logo.

Eleven facts about me:
(Please note… Only ten facts exist, so I lied about one of ’em)

1) I loved American Bandstand when I was very young and would practice the dance moves in front of a mirror. Unfortunately this did not translate into the ability to learn choreography when I grew up.

2) I used to give speeches to large groups of the neighbor’s cows. I mistook their rapt attention for interest in my topics. It’s likely they believed I would eventually feed them.

3) My wife and I met at the height of the disco craze. No, once again, choreography did not matter. Yes, we looked awesome.

4) I have been married to the same wonderful woman for over 30 years, all of them in a row.

4) This fact is sort of about me: I’ve come to the conclusion that if you love your cat, it is doomed. If you actively dislike your cat, it will probably see you through your retirement years.

5) I have shoes older than you.

6) I finally decided there is a life beyond having a clean and tidy car.

7) My faith, band and choir got me through high school.

8) God continues to get me through all the other phases of life.

9) Chunky peanut butter, but if you prefer creamy, I can be swayed.

10) Les Miserables is my favorite musical. Even though I’m sure the motion picture is wonderful, I’m not going out of my way to see it.

11) I relate more to John Boy from The Waltons now than I did when it was still on the air.

Questions:

1. Apples or oranges?
Oranges. They’re juicier.
2. Dogs or cats?
They both have their place, but unless you have a really bad rodent problem,
I just don’t see the point of cats.
3. Coke or Pepsi?
Sorry, I don’t like either one.

4. Psych or The Mentalist?
I actually haven’t seen The Mentalist, but I love Psych. I’m impressed with the writing. Very funny.

5. Mac or PC?
I think it’s all about what system you’re used to. I’m a PC guy because that’s what I’ve always used.

6. If you were to have your ashes scattered post-death, where would you like to be scattered?
I suppose the ocean, if you could guarantee the person scattering wasn’t facing into the wind.
I just don’t want to be responsible for that.

7. If you could miniaturize one person, real or imaginary, and carry them around in your pocket–who would that person be? Billy Graham.

8. Floss before or after brushing your teeth?
Eww! After!

9. If you could do one thing with no consequences, what would it be?
Floss after brushing my teeth.

10. Ever watch Workaholics? If not, you should.
I can’t. I’m working that day.

11. What’s your life motto?
Be more concerned with caring than being cared for.

My questions:

1) Favorite actor?

2) Favorite song?

3) Chunky or creamy peanut butter.

4) Shoes or bare feet?

5) Do you know what toe jam football is? Would you explain it to me?
Don’t google it. I didn’t.
6) Favorite bible verse

7) Exercise you would choose to do just because you love it.
Don’t cheat and say, sex.

8) What drives you to a fit of nostalgia?

9) Assuming you could sing, who would you serenade? What would you sing?

10) What is your greatest frustration?

11) What was your most embarrassing moment?

Here are my nominees:

http://parentingandstuff.wordpress.com/

http://bowlingchef.wordpress.com/

http://mercy4brokenhearts.com/

http://scvincent.com/

http://journeythrugrace.wordpress.com/

http://meggiesfervor.wordpress.com

http://topshelfself.wordpress.com

http://lesplaisirssimplesdelavie.wordpress.com/

http://shrinksarentcheap.wordpress.com/

http://justafterwords.com

http://jordandkay.wordpress.com

“I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike…”

Somewhere I have a photo of myself standing next to my first faux Stingray bicycle on Christmas morning. My smile is huge. A bicycle for a young person means freedom. For the first time, you’re able to expand the physical boundaries of your adventures. The narrow, two lane road we lived just off of saw a lot of traffic because at the time, a small Navy base was located at one end, just off the beach. My family ran a tow service, and periodically a young sailor would drive too fast or too drunk or both. Later, you could tell where the accident had been, due to the new stretch of wooden fencing. I wasn’t allowed to ride my bike on that road since my parents were afraid I’d be run over. Later, when I was older, that five-mile-road between town and the beach was one of my favorite jaunts. bicycle

As I got older, of course, the bikes got bigger too. I put a lot of miles on a Schwinn Varsity that I saved my money to buy. I think it cost around $100. I later regretted buying the small frame, because I got my big growth spurt the next year and raising the saddle was not a perfect solution. I’ve never been much of a mechanic and some lessons along that vein are learned the hard way. One morning I decided to ride the 15 miles to our county seat. Later, I would make that same trip with my sister and my bike would be stolen, only to be returned to me by the police when we made our way there to report the theft. But that’s another story. The day before my first ride I had worked on my bike, mostly cleaning and doing minor adjustments. The brake pads on this model were mounted in such a way that they slid in one end of a bracket. It was important to have the open end facing opposite the direction the wheel was going, otherwise the pressure of the wheel would slide the rubber brake pads out and you would lose the ability to stop. I learned the hard way that I had put the brake pads in backward when they popped out about halfway down a hill connecting to the main thoroughfare. Several drivers witnessed my demise, so after laying my bike down to avoid the traffic at the bottom of the hill I got up and waved that I was okay. Later, after I had made it home, I was listening to a local radio station. The on-air host told about going to work that morning and seeing a bicycle accident. He described exactly what happened to me. The only thing that could have made it better would have been film.

Time Lines

Past, Present, and Future got together for their regular lunch.
In what was usually a futile attempt to keep the peace, Present
sat in between the other two.
Past usually arrived early.
Present was right on time.
Future was always late, but just how late
varied
from week to
week.
The waiter to serve them was chosen on a rotating basis because of the stress.
Example:
Past: “Could you please make sure my coffee is fresh AND hot. Last week it was not the former. The week before that, it was not the latter.”
Present: “Whatever is back there, I’m sure it’s fine.”
Future: “There will be no tip for you if the beans are not Moroccan.”
A nurse stood watch just inside the kitchen to check the server’s vitals. There was never a guarantee he would even make it through the meal.

To be continued…