Waking up in an emergency room can be quite disconcerting. I know, of course it would be. And it’s not like this has happened to me before. It’s just that it took me a while to figure out what happened. I had this vague feeling that I was here because of something stupid I said or did. Like I said, it took me a while. It’s not a long story, but definitely one men should learn from.

It all started with a minor difference of opinion between my wife and I concerning how we should decorate the dining room. I thought we should paint, but Lori fell in love with a wallpaper pattern. I had my doubts when I saw it on the roll, but when she actually put it on the wall my doubts were replaced with a terrible pain located in the area where my head used to be. Also, it’s difficult to describe the wallpaper. I can’t really, because in addition to the pain, my mind has apparently chosen to protect itself by not allowing me to remember the pattern. It made life in our house difficult because to make a point I started avoiding the dining room altogether by going outside through one door and coming back in through the back door to access the rest of the house. What was difficult for me though apparently put my wife’s blood on a slow boil. However, what really set her off was “The Speech.” Now, I won’t pretend Ronald Reagan was my favorite president, but the man’s time in motion pictures taught him how to deliver a speech well. His writers must have loved him because he was so good at it. Now, something guys will do occasionally is say or do something to get a reaction. I had been pushing Lori’s buttons about the wallpaper for a while and decided it was time to go out with a bang. Here’s what I did. I asked her to meet me in the dining room. I’m sure this caused her to be suspicious since I had been putting on my show about avoiding it for so long. In the center of the room I placed a little makeshift stage, complete with the American flag and other red white and blue decorations. I then gave a speech which, while not long, was filled with references to love of freedom and how we, as a people, must fight those forces which threaten it. I went on and on, thinking that at some point Lori would crack a smile. She would laugh. I would laugh. She would congratulate me for being able to keep up my charade for so long and I would say I was sorry about carrying it to such an extreme. Peace would once more reign in the land. The reason I brought up Reagan was the one line that everyone remembers even if they don’t remember anything else he ever said, the one he wanted Mikhail Gorbachev to hear. I stood a little straighter and with my best imitation of President Reagan I said, “Mrs. Tipple, TEAR DOWN THIS WALLPAPER!” I looked down at her and the last thing I remember is a little twitch in the corner of her eye. After that, everything went black.

Well, I have high hopes that once I’m fixed up Lori will let me back in the house. And no matter what it looks like, I’m sure I’ll think it’s just great! Really honey!